Do you have a hard time saying “no?” Do you dislike conflict and stay quiet in personal interactions? Do you worry a lot about what others think about you? If so, you may be experiencing people-pleasing patterns in your life.
What Is People-Pleasing?
Merriam Webster defines a people pleaser as a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.
The Cambridge Dictionary defines a people pleaser as someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them and always wants others to approve of their actions.
Both definitions offer good insights about people-pleasing. It’s about…
- the emotional need to please others
- lack of attention to legitimate personal needs
- concerns about being accepted
- the desire for approval
Wanting approval is not bad. We all want to belong and feel accepted. We all want to be wanted. However, we sometimes get into approval-seeking patterns that are not good for us.
People-Pleasing Keeps Us Stuck
People-pleasing patterns are not good for us because they keep us stuck.
- Stuck in conforming to what we think others want
- Stuck in overcommitment and exhaustion
- Stuck in ignoring our own legitimate needs, wants, and desires
- Stuck in never fully growing into the person God created us to be.
The good thing is, you CAN get unstuck!
The First Step Is…
The first step out of these people-pleasing patterns is awareness.
In this recent post, I shared 4 out of 8 warning signs to help you recognize people-pleasing patterns. Today, I’d like to share four more.
8 Warning Signs of People-Pleasing Patterns
First, let’s review the first four warning signs of people-pleasing.
- You have a hard time saying “no.”
- You dislike conflict.
- You are passive in personal interactions.
- You worry a lot about what others think about you.
Here are 4 more warning signs of people pleasing.
5. You feel compelled to say “yes.”
Women who struggle with people-pleasing may feel compelled to say “yes” immediately when receiving a request. We may even jump in to help when nobody asks for our help.
We see a need, and we believe we have to help take care of it. So there’s a strong desire to be helpful, but it gets magnified, and we may begin to be overly helpful. This will have us taking on more than we can actually handle.
This is especially hard when we want to serve God well. Our beliefs about what it means to be a Christian woman sometimes have us feeling compelled to say “yes,” when a more God-honoring answer might be “no.” (A “no” into a request that doesn’t fit you will clear out time and energy to do what God has designed and created you for.)
6. You are getting a portion of your identity, worth, and value from the things you do to help others.
It’s good to be doing things, and it’s not bad to be busy. We know God calls us to help and serve others, but He doesn’t want us getting our value and worth from what we do to serve others. He wants us to get our value and worth from HIM.
Something helpful to do here is to just pay attention and ask yourself some thoughtful questions.
Pay attention to how you feel when you are not helping others? When you can’t for some reason do the work you want to do, are you feeling worthy or of value?
Think this through and ask yourself:
Am I getting my self-worth from what I’m doing or from who I am in Christ?
Pay attention to your life to determine the origin of your value and worth. It comes from God, not from the things we do – even the things we do for Him!
7. You are overcommitted, exhausted, and overwhelmed.
It’s not wrong to be busy. But we need to be careful that we are busy doing the things God created us to do. Overcommitment comes when we do MORE God created us to do. God definitely wants us to be committed to doing the work He created us to do, but He did not design us to be able to handle OVER commitment!
God doesn’t call us to do everything.
He doesn’t expect us to do everything.
He calls us to do a few things and to be responsible to do them well.
In doing less, we actually have more impact.
In doing less, we actually have more impact. Click To Tweet8. You take care of everyone else’s needs, but you don’t take care of your own.
This is such a common struggle for women. We often ignore our own needs because we are so busy taking care of others. We may even feel selfish or guilty about taking time off to care for our own needs.
Ignoring our own needs might look like this:
- You don’t have time for a hobby.
- You don’t stop to rest because there’s still too much to do!
- You don’t have any time to yourself.
- It’s hard for you to find time to read the Bible and just spend time with God.
- You feel like you don’t know yourself anymore. Or perhaps the goals and desires you had for yourself got lost somewhere along the way.
All of these warning signs are indicators that there are people-pleasing patterns in your life.
Here’s What I Want You to Know
Here’s what you need to know:
People-pleasing is a common human struggle. If you are struggling with it, you are not alone. And it’s not your fault. The good news is you CAN learn the skills we need to step out of the people-pleasing patterns.
The Bible tells us this about people-pleasing:
Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people. – Ephesians 6:7
To be the wholehearted servants God has created us to be, we have to let go of people-pleasing patterns.
Are you looking for a change?
If these warning signs are familiar to you, one thing that will help you immensely is taking time to identify these patterns in your life so you can step out of them.
And after that, there are skills you can learn to help you. One of the skills you can learn is how-to create and implement healthy boundaries.
Create and Implement Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries help us distinguish what is ours to take on and what is not. Boundaries help us become confident and communicate clearly. Most importantly, boundaries allow us to find ourselves again – because being lost in people-pleasing hides who you really are.
With boundaries work, you will find yourself able to make God-honoring decisions. Boundaries will help you step away from people-pleasing, define who you are, and improve the dynamics in your relationships.
Want to know more about how better boundaries can give you a better life?
Would you like to trade people-pleasing patterns for healthy boundaries so you can find God-honoring ways to serve others without feeling overwhelmed? I can help you with that!
Find out more at leslienewmancoaching.com.
This post may be linked in the following places. Click through for more encouragement! Inspire Me Monday / InstaEncouragements / Tell His Story / Salt and Light / Grace and Truth
There are seasons and people that I am more of a people-pleaser with. I appreciate your encouragement to maintain healthy boundaries. That is really key for me!
This was wonderful to read. I have a long history of people-pleasing that I’m well aware of! #’s 7 & 8 really struck a chord with me – always feeling so overwhelmed, never having time for anything but work, having an unhealthy balance in life. Thank you for the encouragement to seek to always serve the Lord and do the things He’s called me to do (and not necessarily everything).
Thanks, Kara. I’m glad this was encouraging to you. I totally connect with what you share here! I love this part of your last sentence: …seek to always serve the Lord and do the things He’s called me to do (and not necessarily everything).
Great topic and descriptions. Putting other people’s needs before mine is a struggle for me. Trying hard to create a balance between their needs and mine, which does require setting boundaries. I wish they would change, but it takes me changing my choices and actions.
Oh boy, I get that, Theresa. I had to say no twice this week to keep space for my own legitimate needs. AND I had to say it to one of my closest friends. It was incredibly hard. But I had already made a decision for myself and created a clear boundary around it. It helped so much to have already done that ahead of time. You are right – it takes a lot of shifting of choices. Not for the faint of heart! Thanks for reading!
Hi Leslie.
I’m a recovering people pleaser, too. I still see myself struggling in some of these areas, but I continue to grow and learn. Thank you for this insightful post! It’s a great reminder for me–particularly this morning.
Blessings,
Tammy
Tammy, I think recovering is a life-long process. I’m always working with those patterns in my own life. But it’s so much easier now that I actually recognize them. I’m glad this was encouraging to you, and appreciate you stopping by.
Having healthy boundaries is life-long learning, I find. An ah-ha moment I had when diving into people-pleasing is that I was being self-focused by worrying what other people thought instead of other focused! People pleasing work is so important so we can let go and fully live in our strengths and gifts. Great post!
Lynn, that is so true! I’ve been surprised at my self-focus too. I don’t necessarily feel self focused when I’m worried about others or what they think, but it is, entirely, a focus on ME, not on others. That was a big ah-ha of mine, too. Thanks for stopping by!